From my forum

LONELY PEOPLE: LISTEN THE FUCK UP

Dear Dr. Dick, one of my closest friends can’t seem to sever his ties with his ex-boyfriend. Even though their last attempted reunion ended in a very violent fist fight, my friend (let’s call him John) can’t seem to get past his nostalgia for the relationship they had several years ago. When Sean recently re-kindled communication, John lied about his romantic situation, telling Sean that he was very much in love and living with his long-time partner. So, what does Sean do? He proposes! Now John, who’s already upset about the unpromising mate market as well as his current unemployment and his living situation (avec les parents), is seriously considering getting back with his no-good, two-timing ex. I know that my role as a friend is to love and support him, but Sean has proven time and time again that he is not to be trusted. I fear as much for John’s heart as for his safety. However, John thinks that I’m unable to understand his situation because I happen to be in a long-term, fulfilling relationship. Anything I say is automatically invalid because I have a man. What’s a friend to do?

Signed Chante’s Got a Man and a Brain

Dear Chante’s Got a Man and a Brain,

I like your first line. I think it says it all. John can’t seem to sever his ties with his ex-boyfriend. Well, truth is, he doesn’t want to. The reason he goes back and forth is because he has something to learn; whether it’s that Sean is a loser and that things will never be the way they were, or it’s a knock upside the head. John is sensitive and caring and loving and his nostaligia is endearing, but unfortunately toxic. Your job as a friend is to support him insofar as you can, but never compromise yourself and how you feel. Speak your mind. If you feel totally freaked, leave him alone to wrestle this one out by himself. Before you take that route, consider relating how you came to a long-term relationship and why it’s fulfilling for you. Maybe he needs to see how it’s working for you. Shed a little light on that. Lonely people are lazy sometimes. Many of them dismiss the experiences of couples because, well, single people tend to either idealize or poo-poo on couples. For me, it’s about the same. Don’t anyone do that to you because you know how much work goes into a successful relationship, and really, if the point is to get to a place of love and mutual respect, who has more experience? Some lonely fuck who would rather rattle around in the bargain bin of love, or someone who worked to be able to afford what they actually wanted and had the luxury of choosing from the better quality goods?

SCAREDY CAT

Dear Dr. Dick, I am afraid of being seen for what I am—a coward. That night sound simple, but it isn’t. I am a terribly private, and, although there is nothing that interesting about me, I want to keep a lot of things about myself. I don’t really even know why I am private about myself. Like, what if someone knew about my…well, okay, forget it, you wouldn’t understand it anyway. Help me stop being so afraid of, well, everything.

Signed Under the Bed

Dear Under the Bed,

Wha…? I am trying to understand your question. You are a coward because you are a private person—is that what you mean? Being private doesn’t mean that you are a coward. We don’t need to know your stupid personal business. But if what you mean is that you are dishonest in the way in which you deal with others, I don’t think that makes you a coward either—just selective. Perhaps…see, I just don’t have enough information. Write again with more information.

WHEN LOVES CALLS DON’T LET THE MACHINE GET IT

Dear Dr. Dick, I met this guy on the Internet and he seemed nice and all, but I wasn’t that enthralled with him. He was a little, oh, I don’t know, nerdy and a little too anxious. I went on a few dates with him. He wasn’t horrible. After a few weeks I found out that he was going out with someone else! Now, mind you, I wasn’t returning his calls, but still! I saw him and this other guy out, laughing and feeding each other salad—yuk! Okay I am jealous. I am more than jealous. He was mine first, right? What should I do?

Signed Did I Miss the Boat

Dear Did I Miss the Boat,

Not only did you miss the boat, but you didn’t have a ticket from get. Think about what you are saying. Getting jealous over some guy you barely gave the time of day? Spare me. And spare yourself. Next time if someone takes an interest in you, maybe you should take your time and get to know him better.
Tuesday, April 06, 2004 @ 08:22 PM

HEY BIG DADDY

Dear Dr. Dick, I like older men. I am 23 and I like my men much older. Problem is that we often run into issues about what is and what is not important. I feel very much like older men need to lighten up, particularly my man. He is wonderful, don’t get me wrong. But I am tired of him thinking I am cheating on him or will eventually leave him. I don’t want to. I like him. But I will not stand for his insecurities. I mean, why would I fuck around if I am with him? Anyway, how can I assuage his insecurities around me?

Signed Young (Not Dumb) Thing

Dear Young (Not Dumb) Thing,

Okay here’s the thing: you cannot make anyone feel secure if they are hell bent on feeling insecure. All you can do is love him, that’s it. Whatever he’s going through regarding his feelings around your fidelity is all on him. He has to learn trust you. Frankly you just can’t have it both ways. You can’t want to have a relationship and then claw onto your lover like a crazed fool. Being in a relationship (and I know this because I wrote the manual) is that you have to be willing to let your object of affection be. Of course you didn’t know that, didja? Most people don’t. They think you should act like you can’t live without somebody. Well, you can. You can always live without someone else. What you want is to be able to live with someone in a way that enhances your life—and hopefully his.

MISTER KNOWITALL GOES BELLY UP

Dear Dr. Dick, okay, my friend is getting on my damn nerves. He is always complaining about his station in life. He hates his job, his body, and his relationships. Usually I would turn into therapist. Let’s do the resume, try a new workout routine, and maybe let’s kill the boyfriend. Well, after a few minutes things are starting to look up for my friend. He’s out shopping his resume, he’s doing cardio and he gives his boyfriend his walking papers. Then everything, almost all at once, stops. We’ve been through this at least fifty times a month. I am tired and I am done. What should I do?

Signed Know It All So Bleh!

Leave him alone. Let him stew in his own juices. Tend to your own needs. There is no way to help anyone, trust me I know this. We can only put them out of their misery. Get a gun. Okay, just kidding about the gun but not about the rest of it. You can support someone when they are going through a crisis, but that is it my friend. Being empathetic can complicate a friendship. You may feel for another person, but you are not that person. Boundaries are important in a friendship. You have to know when to lay off the advice and simply put down the phone or walk away.

BE CAREFUL OF WHAT YOU’RE LOOKING FOR, YA JUST MIGHT FIND IT

Dear Dr. Dick, my “friend” was talking to a girl I used to like (she stopped talking to me and she hates me now). He uses email at our school (we get our own laptops). It had my name as the subject. I asked what it was about and he said it wasn’t me. I knew it was his password and I went on his email account (I know its wrong, but it was about me). It said that he thought that I was boring and the girl said “Why do you sit next to him then?” “I don’t want to hurt his feelings.” “Stop talking to him, that’s what I did.” The conversation went a lot like that. What should I do?

Signed Nosey

Well, you shouldn’t have accessed your friend’s account. That was your first mistake. I think you should stop being friend with this guy and you should leave the girl alone, too. No matter how they feel about you, your mistake was going in this guy’s account. You kind of got what you deserved. Next time try a face to face. For now, just deal. Someone thinks you are a boring person. Big deal.

BABY, I AM NOT BACK

Dear Dr. Dick, I have a large butt and I like it, but that’s all guys think of me as, a butt. I’m not even a bottom. It’s pressure to have such an endowment. The more I try to hide it or put it under my clothes, it only seems to attract more attention. What do you think of my butt?

Signed Butt Of Course, NOT!

Dear Butt of Course, NOT!

I used to be sad until I met a man with a big ass. Ignore that; I was just making myself laugh. It wasn’t even a great joke, really. Anyway, I don’t have any advice that will make folk stop looking at your butt, much less keep my own dick from swelling up at the thought of that big, bouncy… Oh sorry. What I was going to say is that you need to make friends with your butt, and put all this frustration behind you. If you don’t, then the stress will get you in the end. Two in a row, bam!